About Me

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About me

 
UPDATE: This site has been a long journey. I know I’ve abandoned it, but I’ve been active elsewhere on the internet. When I started this site, I was 21 years old. Today, I am 28. If you look back, back to the beginning, you may notice I have gone through many initiations. Each one I thought would be my last, but it was not. While the old introduction is something I will keep, I can’t say with confidence it is accurate anymore. So….
 

 

Before making this site, I was an author of chaos….. I tried to not let my uncomfortable intensities out of my own field of electric convergence, but sometimes they’d get pulled with me into an alien state of consciousness less easily ignored. It is worth saying that I didn’t really know what any of this psychic pressure was at all, only that I could express it to others by drawing outside in, drawing what the psychic pressure looked like. These drawings fascinated some people I knew because they came from some sort of odd morse code my hand that was interesting to watch, but I think even the act of drawing them was innately creepy for many people that I knew as if there was something hard to look at about the end product.

In a sense it was me ultimately that withdrew from my friends because I wasn’t sure what accounted for occasional eruptions of silent psychic chaos that seemed to be profoundly uncomfortable and confusing for those in my immediate vicinity even when I took pains to disguise them in any obvious sense. this was sort of when I realized vibes are quite real explanatory notions for what I was doing to people. I am intense, my focus becomes a dark hole and alters at least my own state of consciousness to a world that is a bit too real and in some small way, uncanny enough to intuitively reject, even for me.

I kind of had this impression, this was around 5 or 6 years ago, around 22 or 23, that I was the only one who could really handle my own energy for an indeterminate period of time (which I’m not sure is a true statement), and tended towards disconnected hermetic seeking thereafter.
a precursor to the miracle I saw in the sky….

from the game “life is strange”

Why the blue butterflies? As a little girl, I had a blue butterfly choker. I don’t know why, but I never took it off. I wore it until the strings snapped.

I grew older and forgot about butterflies. I don’t know why my choker had to be blue. Why it had to be a monarch. And why, later, it would come to represent memories and events that shattered my entire reality. But that’s the funny part. It’s almost like I’d known in advance. I coded my own fate.

I would have to say that although people often say I’m intelligent, my intellect is subpar, but I compensate. most of what I learn I learn because I have made myself a strange attractor that is inclined towards convergence. I have directed my guardian to create a guide? that is perhaps even more cryptic.

I’m not wise either, I am very foolish at every moment, more a mad poet than any kind of sage. I’m not going to join in on nirvana because I am not interested in that experience. I couldn’t find a word for the thing I wanted to see so I made a Frankenstein word instead, and everything we do has consequences.

The Frankenstein Word was…

My “egregore/tulpa/spirit” name. The name of a star I invented. the strange attractor I have created whispered itself to me before its inception. the shadow of creating it was greater than what, at that moment, I could not see. It gave me something I deeply wished for more than anything, but it also stole something I thought I didn’t need, something that, even when it is standing right beside me, no longer quite translates.

The price for what I yearned for was a sort of silence, I suppose, because it was a gap larger even than language and intellect’s, which could be percieved, and alluded to, but could not less be communicated than color to a monochromat. I saw a side of it that enlightened an inner creator, but buried some humanness alongside a half halo.

This was the name that created itself:

CAYLUS ARK

“I could swear,” I thought at 15, “she’s really famous in some game or show. I didn’t make up this name.” But I thought about it. No, the name came from nowhere but my own whispering mind. But she was my hero, and I didn’t even know who she was. How the fuck was I supposed to know her gematria was 666?

DRAWN IN 2015

“Hmm…I think to what extent you become what you are ultimately capable of being is the most important aspect of growth.
I think every organism and every tendency in the universe expresses a natural inclination to further refine its features in the context of the environment.
In the broadest possible sense, an Aeon isn’t different either. If our world has strange attractors behind the veil, the pattern or “personality” or geometry of those attractors will exert an influence on all of existence. In a sense, perhaps an aeon is simply a progression of said influences.”

that’s right. You see, my mind was always sensitive to this “chaos” being. I came up with a theory very recently: that I “SEEDED” myself. The reason I came back to renovate this page is the depth of what I have learned. This is a whole theory, all over my blog, built over ages. But here is what I think. We code our own fate when we CHOOSE who we are. And no: not “know” who we are. Everyone knows a different you than you. Even you know you in different “yous”. School you, parent you, work you, drunk you, friend you. It’s not about knowing who you are. It’s about Choosing to create that immortal soul.

But the pattern you see above was just beginning to form back in 2015. Here is what I think…I think this pattern is the shape of the new aeon. The voiceless aeon. I think what this pattern is, it desires to change and grow. And it meets, seeks, a mind that can receive it, so that it can manifest itself.

I never knew what the Chaos Egg wanted, even then
2010

I drew this in 2010, it took me at least 6 hours. I had done LSD the night before and basically never come down, so while I was sitting in my Advanced Placement Classes….I was drawing this thing.

was a senior in high school, 2010, it was June, and graduation was nearly upon us all. I was in AP classes, but I didn’t devote more energy to my classes than I needed simply to pass. The kids in AP classes, the valedictorians, and I, were in completely different universes. Once a curly haired and wiry Jewish boy warbled up to me in AP English, and asked, “Have you ever seen a joint in real life?” I bet he was dared to do it. But it shocked me. We really did come from different universes. After all, that year, what I really liked to do, would have scared him much more badly. I liked to trip LSD. It was philosophical heaven, with an existential twist and a psychological symmetry.

As mentioned, I was still on the heels of an LSD trip where I discerned that in one dot of space, infinite space exists. In one moment, infinite time. It was that strange kinetic and mental implosion that produced the impulse to draw this. I wasn’t tripping hard during school. If you don’t know much about LSD, than I should tell you tripping can be incredibly subtle. The police, unless psychosis is involved, are horrible at figuring out when civilians are tripping. I was doing nothing strange, ostensibly, that day. No, I wasn’t listening to the lectures. I was doodling. But for me, that wasn’t so strange.

I felt the trip environment of the bent energy around me. It’s something you get a handle on easily if you’ve done psychedelics, although you can feel it even if you stop doing them. Teachers were catching onto my trip energy, even though I was only drawing the pattern and saying and doing nothing. I say this because the entire day, teachers and students in my classes had huge communication issues. As if they simply could not get their intentions across to each other. My Teachers were having trouble focusing on and remembering their lectures. Confusion and strange intensity I am sure none of them could recognize.

Every so often, one of the innocent, sheltered and very intelligent students looked over my shoulder at the drawing my entire psyche tapped out unconsciously, as I dazed non chalantly and translated the shape of the energy in the air. When they saw the picture, they didn’t know what to say. Some seem disturbed, others interested but at a loss for words.

I’m sure I radiated intensity, the intensity of my consciousness. But back then I knew nothing. I was really just a stupid kid. The pattern, the egg, the S’Ophi…. it was already reaching out for me.

I have lost friends on GLP in 2020 because of this 2010 drawing

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CHAOS is not evil. Chaos is the sunken Goddess. Chaos is the key to understanding psyche and consciousness. Chaos is infinite transformation. Chaos is Sophia, because she has been stuffed down by order. Patriarchy has made the mother Chaos an artifact of evil, madness, satan.

But that is not her truth.

Isn’t the essence of doubt when you wonder if your ideals are a lie? I have been told from some people my words saved them. Other people, think my energy is dark and evil. Most people will only be on my site for one of two reasons: MK ULTRA or The Nobody/Anomaly Meme. That’s fine. I started this blog to create information that can’t normally be found. But on this page, I’ll tell you the conclusion I’ve reached about myself. There is something from far away, not far in space but far in our ability to ever perceive it. It tries to communicate with us, both through natural happenings in the world and our interactions with others.

At the core of our world, is not a material hunk of space and rock. All the space, the distance, and the time, are just relative illusions so that a consciousness can inhabit a narrative. Consciousness is the core, and not just ours. Animals, cells, trees, ecosystems, countries, planets, and even stars have a “form” of consciousness. We are both personal and collective. We speak to each other simply through existing in a state of misery, or laughter.

And, those other forms of consciousness, like the Earth, or the Sun, manifest in archetypes and mythologies, like Amon Ra and Persephone. These archetypes change and grow as we do. The collective of existence changes and grows with our ability to interface, with ourselves, and with it. Yes, it is all a hologram, enfolded so deeply there is no real divide.

So this “anomaly”, is just a person who can create things with their soul. There you go. The world reaches out to all of us, most of us can’t make out a single utterance. But some can, because inside of our soul, we know the heart of the universe has its own will. When we combine ourselves, our unique soul, the one we CHOOSE, with the whispering heart of the Cosmos, we can make magic. We become the mythological basis of the unicorn. And what our soul deeply desires…it begins to exist.

A lot of people fear that picture, but they don’t know what it means to me. My goal, in this world, is to combine physics, psychology, and mysticism. Doing so, I want to create a world that will better facilitate magick. Chaos scares us because Order is what every single tenant of the civilized world relies upon. However, the repressed Chaos is the Scarlet Witch, when Isis tears her veil off.

We are all woman, for this role. And, I guess I’m one of them. Caylus Ark, Ouranous, Uraeus, Caelus, Ophicalus, and…of course…S’Ophis

Ever since I was 10 years old, I’ve been writing and rewriting “The Shadow Game”. It’s changed too many times, but certain things are always the same. I am sent from the 9th and highest Planet in the hierarchy down to Earth when everything gets destroyed. Earth is the last remaining way for sentience to recover from the artificial beings replacing everything. Some organization on earth is trying to create “Hybrid” people in the “Hybrid project”. I never wanted to be human. I spent childhood looking for portals back to where I came from. I was especially pissed that humans don’t fly.

As I’ve grown up, interestingly, this story is still the Shadow Game. In many varieties.

When I started on GLP, this was the shadow game:

after several months/and several days/two sacrifices will be made/to open a portal/that is nor near nor far/one chosen one must come forth/the chaos emerald decides the worth

I’ve had a long running story in my head (that is, one I’m planning on writing at some point…) about this girl who develops the ability to control and alter the physical laws of the universe. She survives an outbreak of a rare virus which normally instantly kills those afflicted by increasing body temperature until the victim dies of hyperthermia. But she just barely survives the initial fever and somehow becomes the world’s first survivor. and the virus begins altering her DNA dramatically.

due to the unique nature of her genome – call it luck of the draw – she is not killed in this process, but it seems like she is dying. She loses the pigmentation in her hair which turns white, not grey, but fog colored. Her eyes begin to develop an almost imperceptible line through the iris that eventually begins to glow. Her body starts rejecting food, and will not absorb nutrients. She has no reason to believe that she will live.

And then she starts to see different layers of reality. Most of the time, this virus causes a high fever (of course hallucinations, with a fever above 102, are to be expected). But she begins seeing different layers of reality flicker into and out of existence. Instead of seeing a solid white wall made of plaster, she sees darkness and spots of energy rapidly peaking in and out of space – not just on the surface of the wall, but in it’s structure, too, as if she sees an Xray. When she looks at other people, she no longer sees their faces but sees their cells as they flow through their bloodstream, she sees their bones as they move or their lungs as they breath.

Worse yet, she sees…strange things, things that barely have a form, made up of hazy indiscriminate particles that no ordinary human would be able to conceive of, any less a blind man could be taught to see. ‘They’ crawl out of the unoccupied layers in spacetime and watch her from the outskirts of reality, popping through dimensions like salmon through rivers and eventually melting, a wave into the sea.

The product of her transformation leaves her not quite human, the origin of a new species. She is highly sought after by various parties due to her unique genetic adaptations and because she is one of a small group of survivors of SyndromeX, poised to pandemic status in fatalities. She is forced to let her friends and family believe that she has died with her illness, in order to best protect both them and herself. So she runs away…anywhere really. finds herself on the beach one night, where she discovers she has the ability to bend time and space around her by harnessing electricity. This is why she no longer gets hungry and cannot digest food like normal heterotrophs. It is electricity – energy that she craves.

her body has begun to create a very powerful electromagnetic field, but it is quite unstable if it has no outlet and she does not weave it. Eventually she will learn how to bend the fabric of spacetime and curve it so that she can travel at incredible speeds. She will learn how to change the density of air in a small space around her so that she can stay in the air without falling. She will learn how to focus and direct highly condensed energy to create weapons or illusions. She will learn how to project her EM field out into a certain radius within which she can alter the flow of time.

It seems like she can do anything. It stands to question, then: if you have such great power, what would you do? Assume that you could create a better world then the last one? Stand up for innocent individuals? Attempt to take down corrupt power structures? …Do you stop? Who is your enemy? And if you no longer have an enemy, at what point do you become your own enemy?
 Quoting: Caylus Ark

What I was talking about, of course, were REALITY BENDERS.

As of 2017, I changed the SHADOW GAME again. This time with the influence of …. yes, all of you. The anomaly and the nobody.

And everything I’d learned. A button below will take you to that post.

Present day: 2021; Within one day, butterfly after butterfly post is made. I had just finished my endless revolving door of psychological treatment for the traumas I experienced with my personality being shattered. The presence of MONARCH in my life had been almost a distant memory. And Then…..And NOW….well, you see.

3 thoughts on “About Me

  1. Ah beautifully written. You remind me of Alice who has been incarnated in Wonderland. I feel you had to learn to “think” in a linear fashion from a quantum one. You learned to adapt to this mind matrix by learning to focus linearly. And this is why you are so enthralled with Sir Handler. He is a master of this mind matrix – so much so that he can manipulate linear reality for those he handles.

    I am really glad you are here and experiencing this world at this time. You are a new breed m’lady. Take heart 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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